Perhaps the most terrifying feelings of all is waking up and coming to the realization that you matter much to no one at all. The realization of, and subsequent acceptance of such a fact can send you down a treacherous, harrowing, extremely depressing path of self examination and self discovery.

Quite understandably, if faced with such a dilemma - you are filled with millions of questions. Recently, I cried for almost 3 days straight, I felt broken, torn, bruised, battered ~ in fact, it is quite probable to say that I experience a mass of so many negative emotions the onslaught was a bit more than I could bear. For some it may seem cowardly, but me myself and I were well aware that my consequent actions were extremely necessary for the protection of what was left of me. I was, without doubt, a fragile shell, susceptible to any and all stimulus. The pull of one trigger and my very being would cease. I asked myself over and over why people hated me, why I felt like I was all alone, why despite the abundance of good in my life it all appeared bleak, why I felt deserted, abandoned, betrayed?

But I realized, that while I, just like everyone else, was guilty of making mistakes, I was in no way responsible for my predicament. Perhaps, the only cause for guilt was my willingness to allow the situation to continue for the length of time which it did. I fought with myself and I felt trapped. I was a victim of circumstance no doubt. For so long I allowed "those people" to attack me emotionally, their verbal accusations, and conjectures had taken its toll. For five years, I let them insult me, criticize my every move, I locked myself in bathrooms and cried and cried and cried. I cried myself to sleep most night. Assuming that everyone in  my life was like THEM, I began to trust to no one. My enemies, the vultures that they were, encircled me casting metaphorical stones and weapons at me while I cowered, crippled by fear. I rarely spoke up, I just cried. My accomplishments were many, but I diminished the magnitude of them, hoping that my displayed humility would halt their cruelty. All my attempts were to avail. 

I set myself off to dream-land, a place where for once I was happy, but even this place, my one- time sanctuary was invaded by them. I can not deny that along the way genuine individuals did come along, but I was so reluctant to trust ANYONE that almost all attempts to befriend me was met hostility. However when I examined some of the genuine friends I have come to realize that they were and still are the ones that are so sure of themselves that they feel no need to ridicule me to elevate themselves. Among the true friends, were a billionaire's daughter, a boy who's intelligence was far superior to anyone I ever knew, a wonderful bright and bubbly girl who at times felt just as ostracized as I did but was able to overcome her struggle. They made me realize that I did matter to other people. And even if I mattered to nobody at all I now know that I matter to me.

No trumpets sound, no pomp and splendour, no bold and brazen declaration...just a silent transition into me becoming the new me. I understand myself, my fears, my vulnerabilities.I now appreciate my triumphs~ both large and small. I refuse to let their attacks dictate my life, my existence  or the essence of who I am now.